Thoughts as a New Nurse

"Are you Elise?"

I turned to look at the volunteer in a red vest who was arranging flyers and stickers on the staff whiteboard. Piedmont Hospital has an amazing volunteer system - mostly folks in their retirement who are dedicated and consistent and keep our supply room so well organized and stocked. I recognized this particular volunteer's kind face - I knew she was one of the weekly volunteers here in the ICU.

"Yes, I am...." I replied wondering which patient was needing me.

"I keep hearing the other nurses talk about you. They keep saying that you are doing such a great job. They said 'she is kicking butt.' " she smiled back at me.

In that moment, this sweet volunteer become my new friend. She took the time to pass on the encouraging word, to notice me, the new little nurse in the ICU.

As a new nurse, those words of affirmation, spoken by the more seasoned nurses to each other, meant so much to me. Those are words I need to remember - especially on the days when I am scared to death because my patient's pressures keep dropping, my stress level is sky-high, and I am trying so hard to stay on top of everything that I don't have time for lunch or to go to the bathroom.

That is one of the biggest lessons I have learned so far as a nurse: you have to hold onto the good things and celebrate well the good times - the patients with happy endings, the people that make you smile, the words of encouragement.

I did not expect to face as much death and sadness as I have. I knew that as an ICU nurse, patients would die. But I didn't expect to be walking patients and family though the process of emotionally preparing for death on a weekly, sometimes daily basis. Even if a patient does not die on my shift, there is so much end of life support involved in the days leading up to the patient's death that I frequently find myself walking families through some part of this process.

Just a few days before this sweet volunteer took the time to encourage me, I had a particularly hard day. My hardest day so far in my nursing career. The details don't matter - I had a patient who was slowly but progressively going into shock, and her family was watching me care for her, with lots of critical and questioning comments. She was the sickest patient I had taken care of; I was scared to death. I had another nurse there with me, helping me, and she saved the day. But I cried the whole way home that night. The level of stress and fear I had felt that day was a whole new level.

As I was trying to recover from the stress that night, I was facing all the "I can't do this" feelings that made me want to give up. But then as I was texting my mentor nurse that night, she reminded me not to allow this to make me forget all the good times and the amazing patients who have had good endings. Hold onto the good times, celebrate them, enjoy them, remember them. And learn to let the terrible times go...


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